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Coladas Interruptus

‘I wonder if you can help me?’

‘I can certain—’

‘I’m looking for a Pina Colada mix called, oh I don’t know, something like Sunsations or Suntastic or maybe something like that. Do you have that?’

‘I’m not familiar with the brand, but I can—’

‘Or maybe it’s Sunsational.’

‘—look it up in our computer system and see—’

‘Or something like that.’

‘—if any of our other stores carry—’

‘It had the word “sun” in it, I think.’


‘Or maybe not.’

‘Well, it looks like—’

‘Oh I don’t know what it was called.’

‘—there’s no listing—’

‘We had it on the cruise and I’m probably just thinking of something else.’

‘—for it—’

‘Do you have anything that’s comparable to that?’


‘Just a Pina Colada mix of some kind. It’s doesn’t need to be Sunsations.’

‘Well, over here I have a number of—’

‘I just don’t know my way around a liquor store.’

‘—Pina Colada mixes—’

‘But I’m getting better at it.’

Yes, and it’s too bad you can’t shut the fuck up for thirty seconds… ‘—from different manufacturers—’

‘Is that the white one?’


‘Is there a difference between them?’

Between what? That’s one bottle… ‘Well this one—’

‘Because I don’t want to spend my money on something that tastes horrible.’

‘—is the most popular brand we sell.’

‘Is it good?’

‘Well it’s certainly popu—’

‘Because the one we had on the cruise was just so good.’

‘—lar, and the price—’

‘But you probably don’t carry that, do you?’

‘—isn’t outlandish compared to the other ones.’

‘But you don’t have Sunsations?’

Haven’t we just been through this, you stupid bitch? ‘No. We have these three—’

‘Is this any good?’

‘…Yes, it’s the most popular—’

‘I’m just so concerned that it’s not going to taste like what we had on the cruise.’

‘…I’m sure it will be—’

‘Well I’ll just try this one for now.’

‘—perfectly fine.’

‘What about Grenadine? Do you carry Grenadine or something like that?’

‘Yes, we have that right—’

‘I’m not even sure what it is.’

‘—here on this shelf—’

‘But I know they used it on the cruise ship.’


‘It’s red or something.’

‘Yes. It’s a red—’

‘Is that red?’

It’s in a clear glass bottle, you cow. What the fuck does it look like?  ‘…Yyyyesss…’

‘Do you know which one is better?’

‘I would go for this one, here, simply because—’

‘And what about black raspberry liqueur? Do you have that?’

‘Yes. We have that—’

‘Or black cherry.’

‘—right over here on the top shelf.’

‘Or blackberry.’

‘This is Chambord, which is—’

‘Or a blueberry I guess would do too.’

‘Which one did you want?’

‘It really doesn’t matter, I guess.’

‘Well the Chambord—’

‘They used it on the cruise.’

‘—is the only true black raspberry we have—’

‘Oh it was so good!’

‘—or we have a blackberry brandy that’s a little—’

‘And creme de coconut too.’

‘—less expensive.’

‘Or maybe it was creme de cacao. Oh I don’t know! Which one tastes like coconut?’

‘That would be creme de co—’

‘I think it’s white or something.’


‘Is it coconut?’


‘Do you have that?’

‘We have cream of coco—’

‘In the little can?’

‘—nut, in the little can, yes.’

‘Is there a difference?’

‘Between what?’

‘Between these two?’

‘One is a larger can, but they’re both—’

‘Well I guess I only need a little bit. The big can is just too expensive.’

‘Is that going to be all for you today?’

‘Is this Starbuck’s stuff any good?’

‘If you like Star—’

‘I’ve never tried it but I’ve heard it’s good.’

‘—buck’s, it is.’

‘Well I’ll just try one of these little bottles.’

‘Alrighty then. Anything else for—?’

‘Do you know when you’ll be getting that in?’

‘I’m sorry?’

‘Do you know when that will be in?’

‘When what will be in?’

‘The Sunsations?’

‘…We don’t—’

‘Or Sunsational or whatever.’

‘—carry that brand—’

‘I may have the name all wrong.’

‘—as I explained.’

‘We drank so much on the cruise and it was just so delicious! So you’re not sure when it’s coming in?’

‘The Sunsations?’

‘Is that what it’s called!?’

*Sigh*  ‘I believe so, yes…’

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