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The Magical Talking Anus

(From Previously Unpublished Archives)

I heard the door open and before it even closed, before I could even have an opportunity to react, I hear: ‘Yeah, I’llablahblahblah.’

‘I’ll be with you in just a second…’ I said as politely as I could. I was fifteen feet away, with my back to her, and was bent over a trash barrel in the process of changing out the liner.

‘You having a bad day or something?’ the woman spoke to my ass for the second time.

I paused. Took a breath. I’m thinking I’m about to. I stood up straight, turned round to face her, and wiped my hands on my apron as I smiled. ‘Oh no, it’s just that I was right in the middle of taking out the trash—’ I told her as gently and as congenially as I could muster, indicating the trash as I approached the register ‘—and wasn’t able to take your order from across the room. Now. What can I get for you?’

‘I want carmel in it.’

‘Oh. Okay. Caramel in what?’

‘My latte.’

‘What size would you like?’

She huffed a rancorous, burning stench of old cigarettes into my face. Clearly I was pretty stupid if I couldn’t remember her order in just a few seconds. ‘Large.

‘Did you want that for here, or to go?’

She huffed again. My ignorance was simply appalling to her. ‘To go.’

‘So a large caramel latte, then?’

‘Yes. And I want carmel in that, too.’

‘Yep.’ Who’s the stupid one now, bitch?  ‘I’ve got that written down. Caramel.’ And so, after taking her credit card for the requisite amount, I made the large caramel latte and handed it across the counter to her. ‘Large caramel latte,’ I said with a smile. ‘With carmel in it. To go…’ because I didn’t want her to think I had forgotten.

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