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Liveblogging The Needless Next Food Network Star Reunion Special No-One Cares About

Dark Lord of The Sith Bobby Flay feels that this was the wildest and most competitive series yet of The Next Food Network Star – so much so that it warranted the first ever reunion special – and I couldn’t agree. More than any series before it – riddled with contradictory judging, clear bias, sloppy and manipulative editing, trite musical cues lifted from Project Runway, and with the irksome inclusion of a pre-determined Antagonist and two pre-determined Protagonists – this was the most engineered and pathetic cry for ratings I’ve ever seen.

And what did we see in the reunion? We saw how Vic, Susie, and Jeff rose from the primordial soup of the first episode to become the Final Three in a twenty-second version of the last ten episodes. We saw the uncut version of Mary Beth’s elimination where she broke down crying because her dreams had just been crushed rather than taking it like the smiling trooper she was portrayed as last week – and got to see her refuse a conciliator hug from Jeff, leaving him to stand aside awkwardly as Darth Giada got teary-eyed.

We saw that Mary Beth would prefer not to watch Jeff’s probable programme because she clearly believes, as do I, that Susie has far broader culinary skills than just making some sandwiches. We saw that the word ‘equagulate’ was one of the more popular entries in the Victionary – the verbal mangling often utilised by the Former Potential Celebrity Chef Known As Vic ‘Vegas.’ We saw that Big Chris and Jyll did not get on very well and that Big Chris and Justin The Second, Fishmonger had very different cooking styles and that Big Chris believes that he could win against him in a throw-down ‘all day every day’ because Big Chris is still an idiot. We saw that Jeff was Mr Funny Man, that Paul Stanley was – shockingly – a fucking bitch and no-one liked her, which was hardly made apparent throughout the series and, thankfully, Juba was not allowed to speak.

FNS7-no-pilotWe also saw, through the magic of a poorly-considered and ill-timed teaser for the final episode, that Vic will be the next one eliminated because you can just see the top of his bald head in a brief shot of Paul Stanley sitting amongst a ‘Focus Group’ of the former Padawans who will be asked to critique the ‘pilots’ of Susie and Jeff in the next episode.

More than anything, we saw just how to waste an hour of valuable time…

 

 

 

 

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